At the beginning of this year I launched a bold experiment: publicly posting my daily development progress (*or lack there of) to see if external pressure would aid in my work efficacy. And practically immediately the result was secretly evident, but denied and avoided for far too long. The shocking answer: No...

What was hoped to be a boon, instantly became just another shackle on top of my already numerous stressors. No longer did development feel safe and quiet and just alone, but rather it became internally threatening and claustrophobic under the weight of external judgement and expectation. A bad day in private was defeating enough: but to be forced daily to either lie and feel burdened, or be honest in admittance and feel further shame—was deeply tiring. The mere gesture of updating this site became its own battle, and a development nightmare all in itself.

Instead of being fully immersed in solving just the game's problems, my mind was always scattered in divide—trying to decipher whether any given priority or action was a "good approach", the "proper order", or "if things were taking too long". The project quickly became a mounting debt: features rushed or half-implemented just to move forward onto the next Day's To Do.

The Progress Board demanded rigidity, but actual creativity is far more random and varied. In broken inefficiency I was dragging a wornout brain through the same grooves until slower and slower "completion", when I should have been shifting gears as needed, switching zones, and being artistically "chaotic". And every day I just wished I could be obscure again, to do things truly "my way" once more—to battle development in silent isolation—to just fight this one war I now finally know how to finish.

But I resisted that urge—sadly to the cost of months—as egotistically it seemed like quitting and even further humiliating, but I think the truer "abandonment" now would be to continue down a course proven to be ineffective, especially now given my most dire financial countdown. And so I face the shame of defeat and embarassment today, rather than fear it daily, in order to best actually avert the real future face of it in looming ruin.

And so while the Countdown continues, my progress against it will no longer be visible. It will now just be a silent march for me—a secret development—that hopefully soon you will all get to fully play.

Until then, take care. And I promise I will return with the game...